This could be a really good idea, or a really awful one, and i don't know which it is. But with the honest realisation that things can only improve in my head, I'm going with it.

Waz and I started out mono and vanilla. Almost four years later, we're in a Master/slave relationship which has had more boundary shifts than I can count. At first we discussed only me having permission to have kink-play (non sexual) outside the relationship. Then it was decided me being sexually (not emotionally) involved with other women was okay too. A couple of FWB situations happened during that time. Then we were both 'allowed' to sleep with others - though both with women (Waz is straight, I am bisexual). Back at Christmas we discussed this again, and Waz agreed this was pretty much BS and ridiculous - if we both knew that him sleeping with another woman wasn't going to destroy our relationship, why would me sleeping with a man do so? So, another shift. This time to full openness, with a couple of base rules:
1. Everyone must know
2. The other party must Not Be a Dick.

It was all good. But very quickly after that, I briefly attempted (in hilarious lesbian sheep dance fashion) to date a girl I know. It was most definitely about more than a lay. We became "open to poly" which eventually slid to "theoretically poly" at least.

Now, and this is where it all becomes relevant again, we are *doing* poly. Waz has, in the last few days, acquired a new girlfriend/sub/pet (Girly). Having met her, she's lovely. I can see the spark between them, and watching them so into each other is actually really sweet. Compersion, I honestly have.

Here's the hard part. I'm barely coping. I feel fine, and then really, really not. Logic states everything is fine and I can do this and I agree with this and I KNOW it doesn't lessen his love for me in any way. There have been a few hiccups in the last few days - Waz admits these himself - which have left me feeling pretty down. But they don't account for the way my mood has crashed out at times - the whole 'the bottom's fell out of my world' feeling. It fucking hurts. But I don't think it's because I can't *do* poly. I really don't.

I think the speed at which Waz and Girly moved at didn't help the adjustment - I'm not blaming them at all - hell, Waz and I were damned similar... when the man knows what he wants, he knows! But still, I think it's not unreasonable that it feels a little like my life has pulled a 180 in less than a week.

One thing that I know I'm going to struggle with is spending time without him. We've been together (as mentioned above) nearly four years. We've lived together for three of those years. In that time I think we've spent less than a fortnight not seeing each other every day. Finding myself along in our bed... ouch. I suck at alone time. But I know I need to put on my big girl pants and deal.

I worry about having to tell our parents. Both sets are pretty traditional really, and I really don't see either reacting well. The thought of losing their support from our lives, or their support for our relationship, terrifies and upsets me.

I keep feeling like I somehow have less of him. I know that's ridiculous. I know it. I've told him this (both parts). I have these moments when I look around at *our* life we've built and feel pretty scared. It was cosy just us. I felt really safe. I feel less safe now. In reality, I know that's me.

The added difficulty now, though, is that when we shifted goalposts.. each and every time... it was with the caveat that if it's not working, we change something. We go back. And we always had that safety net. Poly was another one of those boundary shifts with the caveat that if it didn't work, we'd go back.

But now? It's just not that simple. Hell, it isn't an option. Firstly, because there are three peoples' feelings involved here and that means all of them need to be considered. Secondly, because as it turns out, Waz has always been poly. Deep down, he knew it. He just covered it up, tucked it away and moved on. Made do with what he had (both with past girlfriends and me). I, apparently, complete him more than anyone ever has. But not fully. But me and Girly? Now, he feels completeness.

And I value that.

But this is hard. As you can probably tell by the fact it's being written at five in the morning.
And it means I have to get my shit together.

NK x