Archive for October, 2010

Stephen Fry and the Media’s Sense of Humour Fail.

Sunday, October 31st, 2010
Picture reproduced under Creative Commons. From James UK on Flickr
So, Stephen Fry is at the centre of another debate today – and has, again, decided to switch off from the Twitterverse for the time being. While it could be read as a strop (and I’m sure some will read it that way), it could also be seen in the context of being tired of constant battering as soon as someone has something to say – and in the case of an article such as this – many do, and have. 
The article, based off an interview given to Attitude magazine, is at the core of the issue. Fry is quoted as saying that he “feels sorry for straight men” as “The only reason women will have sex with them is that sex is the price they are willing to pay for a relationship with a man, which is what they want. They want a boyfriend and then they want commitment.”
It should be noted that, on twitter, he has pointed out that the interview was given in a humourous manner (see above), and that has now been misquoted twice over. For that, I feel pretty sorry for him. Attitude, being a gay lifestyle magazine, would likely feel like a place of some security, to be able to joke comfortably about sexuality and gender differences, without being crucified for it. Apparently not. 
Don’t get me wrong here. I disagree with Stephen’s comments, presuming they’re meant somewhat seriously, which I don’t believe them to be. So in that respect I find it hard to get annoyed. 
I disagree emphatically with the comment:
“Of course a lot of women will deny this and say, ‘Oh, no, but I love sex, I love it!’ But do they go around having it the way that gay men do?”
I don’t see a great deal of difference between my gay, straight, bi and pan friends in their sexual behaviours. None of my friends use cruising areas, regardless of their sexuality. I also don’t honestly see a particular difference in sex drive down to sexuality either. For example, a gay friend of mine likes sex, but he’s not that bothered. For him, it’s very much the relationship that matters – in that he’d rather have a sexless long term relationship than flings or one night stands with amazing sex. 
I’m a bisexual woman, and my partner is a straight man. My sex drive is much higher. No, I don’t go cruising. We don’t swing, or go dogging. None of that means I have any less of a sex drive or more. 
On average though, men do think about sex more than women. Or, rather, men are willing to state that they think of sex more often than women are willing to state they do. The Kinsey Institute found that 54% of men said they thought of sex at least once a day, comparing to 19% of women. I know I fit within that 19% but I recognise that it’s a trait linked more to males than females, and that’s okay. 
I don’t believe that diminishes female sexuality or suggests that men have ‘more’ sexuality than women, nor does it imply anything else about an individual’s sexuality or sexual identity. It works in broad numbers, as does Mr Fry’s comments. Add that to the intended humour of the situation, and I’m left feeling far more for him, in that as a well known celebrity, you really can’t get away with a joke. 
I’m not offended, and I hope he gets a break soon! 
NK x

Tracy Quan; Please Stop It.

Friday, October 29th, 2010
Picture reproduced under Creative Commons. From Smoobs on Flickr.


This is the second time I’ve seen this quote, about lube:

“Tell him he’s more, ahem, challenging than average. You really need that extra lube to keep things comfy, because you’re not accustomed to a man of his hugely impressive dimensions.”

Apparently, we should “spare him the biology lecture”, advise both LoveHoney and Harlot Magazine (Article “5 Sex Secrets Men Don’t Want You to Know… And how to deal with them”).

 Really? We’ve worked for so long to encourage the concept of open dialogue and the right to female sexual fulfilment to be recommended THIS? I’m not denying that this tactic may have worked for Tracy in the past – and that’s all well and good – but what may have worked for clients isn’t always the way to go with someone you’re involved with… Tracy, for all I know, may have also rolled out this cliche to men she dated or slept with on a personal level, I don’t know. What I do know is that men, contrary to what is sometimes suggested, are not stupid. Most guys know vague averages, and they’ll be able to judge off their experiences with other women too. A significant proportion of men would be nothing short of patronised by such a comment (especially when they know they’re of average proportions) – which is a mood killer in its’ own right.

Surely the obvious answer is a confident “It’ll feel great” – sure you don’t have to tell a new guy or a one night stand your life story, but be realistic. Lube can easily be worked into a fulfilling sex life that doesn’t base itself off BS. How about applying lube to his cock (condommed, unless you’re in an established relationship, I’m sure you don’t need that lecture off me too)with your hand, allowing for a slippy hand job that will flow naturally into hot, wet sex? If you prefer to lube yourself up, that’s no reason to worry either- I honestly don’t think I’ve met a man who has disliked the visual of a slick, slippery pussy waiting for his attention!

It’s only right to add here, that Julie Peasgood, whose post quoted the Tracy Quan advice at LoveHoney, did come back into the debate and say that she had hoped it would read tongue in cheek, but unfortunately I feel it misfired, as many women do have very real hang-ups about issues such as this, and advice like that can be tempting.

The issue of Tracy Quan and her “Don’t talk” policy only re-entered my consciousness today as she features in Harlot issue 19 in the above article. In all honesty, giving her a whole article to advocate more worries, hangups and ‘white lies’ didn’t impress me especially. (You might have trouble responding to your man’s touch if you use a vibe, don’t tell him you’re on the pill – STI talk is a turn off, and you taste bad – I paraphrase, but hell, I’m annoyed.)

I do love Harlot though, and it really is worth a read. Just know that you might want to turn the page when you see Tracy’s twaddle.

NK x

HNT… A Tiny Dot.

Thursday, October 28th, 2010

Do you see that dot there? The tiny little blemish on the inner crease of my arm? It’s barely noticable, I know.

It’s the little, very temporary, reminder that I helped save a life on Tuesday.

I gave blood (for the first time).

You can too. Check where in the UK and the USA at these sites.

NK x

BDSM and Me – Part 5: Culture

Thursday, October 28th, 2010

This is part 5 in a 15 part series of questions I’ve been slowly working my way through for some time now. Click here to see the full list. 

What would you say have been (if any) mass and pop culture influences on your BDSM expectations, performance and desires?

Picture reproduced under Creative Commons. From Bert23 on Flickr

Right now, I find this a really interesting question. I switched degrees at University and I’m now studying on a programme that combines media and cultural studies; a course that I’m finding incredibly enjoyable and very “me”.

Even defining popular culture is a huge undertaking however! (It must be if a professor at my University can somehow have managed to crank out five editions of a text book on media and popular culture!) I have 2000 words to write on just that!

However, overlooking the problems with the term itself, I’ll attempt to answer this without veering off into essay mode!

Popular culture has for a long time, depicted kinksters and BDSMers as the “others”, as the socially deviant, and at times morally questionable. I always found that hard to accept. From a fairly young age, the first sights of kink I was exposed to (I would suspect that was online!), I found to be an enlightening demonstration of self expression. For that reason, I always felt that I didn’t understand the need for secrecy we find imposed upon us by society.

At the same time, however, I also suffered with masturbation guilt during my earlier years as a furtive wanker. It wasn’t probably until I reached mid teens that I truly accepted self love as a source of pleasure and joy, rather than something to feel ashamed of afterwards.

Luckily, by the time I was introduced in the real world to kink, I was well and truly over my self pleasure shame!

Largely, I’d say I tend to avoid paying too much attention to what mainstream mass media has to say about fetish and kink, as the majority of it is nothing more or less than a caricature of reality; a distorted jumble of the seedier elements of what someone might have done to someone else, somewhere

Saying that, though, I am a member of FetLife, and that could be easily classified as a sub-group within society, and of course, that makes it a smaller part of (admittedly “deviant”) culture. I have learned a lot about other peoples’ kinks and fetishes in the time I have been a member there, and it has helped me greatly in getting more involved with the local social kink scene.

Being involved to this small extent has meant that I feel I better understand what might happen at a BDSM club, or play party, and as such think I may yet find myself in attendence some day. Were it not for the influence of the online and real world communities I have encountered, I know that wouldn’t be the case – it’d all be too intimidating for me.

As I have learned of more and different kinks and fantasies which other people hold, I have found my own kinks and potential kinks widening. Some years ago, for example, I might not have been as open to rimming as I am now (if you’ll pardon the unintentional pun there!) – and I am so glad I am.

While I know that went on a bit, and I probably waffled on for far too long, I hope it explains a little of my influences.

NK x

Not Straight, Not Gay; On Coming Out as Bisexual.

Wednesday, October 27th, 2010
Picture reproduced under Creative Commons. From salanki on Flickr

So, I suspect everyone here already knows I am bisexual. It wasn’t always that way of course.

I remember being a lot younger and having some difficulty with my sexuality. It never bothered me that I seemed to like girls in the same way I liked boys, but I was very aware that it would bother my classmates, so it generally wasn’t discussed. Sexuality as a whole in teenage years tends not to be celebrated but instead dealt with in a very childish way, and often (I have found) in a very male-serving sense. As if the only way it was okay to be doing ‘stuff’ was really for a boy. That spilled over into the common logic at school that “of course boys wank” but if a girl were to admit that she also engaged in self pleasure, she’d have been the subject of ridicule for a very long time indeed. Female sexuality = not cool at school. Not, at least, in the schools I attended.

Of course, then at 16 I left high school, and moved up to a sixth form college in a city nearby. By 17 I had been introduced to the rock scene and remember meeting Kim* quite early in my fledgeling rock chick era. My friend introduced us, and as she had been introduced to me as gay from the outset I had no doubt. Not that I suspect I would have, if my friend had been more discrete.

Kim had long hair, a rich brown colour. She dressed fairly butch, and having been to an interview that day, was wearing black trousers, a white shirt and a tie. I remember noticing how the masculinity of the outfit and particularly the tie contrasted with her exquisitely feminine curves, the tie jutting out over her voluptuous breasts. 

I remember her laughing and whilst playing around, jumping ontop of my knees, straddling me as I sat, proclaiming “You’re mine now!”. I remember even more vividly, thinking “Oh God, yes please.”

En route to my friend’s house for a night out the following week, mid arguement with my Mum, I blurted out that the “bisexuals” she was judging included her daughter. We agreed nothing need be said to my Dad unless I got a girlfriend. While I felt, in many ways, this diminished the significance of my sexuality, and left me feeling half-in and half-out of the closet, I also knew telling my Dad would be a lot different than admitting the truth to my Mum.

Eventually, I did get my way with Kim. I remember the look of shock on my friends’ faces as our first kiss ended, on the dance floor. In hindsight I don’t think I’d ever mentioned how into Kim I was. Sure, my mates were aware I was bi, but actually acting on it…? I think that surprised them. 

(I have realised I may have to blog seperately about that kiss. Mmm. Yes, I think I do need to.)

I was a total chicken in telling my Dad too. He’d helped me make some jewellery for Kim’s birthday and I started out by saying how much I’d appreciated his help, as she’d loved the piece. He was so pleased it had been a success… So I struck… “Kim’s not my friend… She’s my girlfriend.”

He took a couple of repeats before it sunk in. And then he let out a small giggle, and said “Dear me”. 

I don’t know what I was expecting, but I know that wasn’t it. 

Years on of course, and I’m in a straight, long term relationship. Somehow, I think I’ve finally convinced my Mum that being bisexual wasn’t a “phase”, nor am I now “straight”. My Dad and I however, don’t discuss it. We never have since then. Sometimes that gets to me, but then I remember that there are just a lot of things that my Dad and I aren’t open about in the way that my Mum and I are. And that’s okay. 

The upshot of all of this is, that even though it might have been nerve-wracking, involved some awkward conversations, and still be a slight bone of contention years later, it was worth it. For my parents to know that no matter how turbulent our relationship may have been, that Kim did exist, and I did feel for her exactly what I may otherwise feel for a man, or a different woman. 

If you are bisexual, gay, or otherwise somewhere on the queer spectrum, I wish you the very best of luck in your coming out ventures, whether they be soon or far off. If you need someone to talk to, I’m here. (nymphetaminekiss AT googlemail DOT com)

NK x

Eden Cafe: The Care and Keeping of Bisexuality in a Straight Marriage

Wednesday, October 27th, 2010
This article, on Eden Cafe, really spoke to me, hence why I felt the need to point you guys to it. 

The Care and Keeping of Bisexuality in a Straight Marriage

“I was really happy with my choice to marry a man. But there was always that obnoxious nagging that I liked girls. No really, I liked girls. I wasn’t planning to marry one, I didn’t want to leave my husband, but sometimes…”

Go read the whole article at Eden Cafe now! Really, go…

Okay, you back? I really enjoyed the article and empathised greatly with the position. It can, sometimes, feel like a no win situation to be in and it helped to see someone else who found themselves in a similar quandry. I commented on the post:

“As a monogamous-identified, bisexual female in a long term relationship, this article really spoke to me. I’ve been having real difficulties lately with my longing for women and it’s prompted me to feel ‘shakey’ in my long-championed belief that bi folk can be in a single, steady, mono relationship with either gender without the ‘bi thing’ affecting it…
As of now, I don’t see a resolution for it. A bit of flirting with friends, a lot of fantasising about girls, yes… but I don’t see any more than that, as fundamentally we’re mono. For all the good and bad that brings.”

Sure, the Mr and I may not be married (yet?) but cohabiting and in a long term relationship isn’t too far removed, and if you follow me here or on twitter you’ll know my girl-lusting is only getting worse… *sigh*.

NK x

Kink Fail?

Tuesday, October 26th, 2010

So, this club is in a town not far from me. It’s called Legends and being of the rock variety, I have been there once or twice (maybe a little more in my younger days ;) ).

Earlier this month they launched a new night called Suspiria Saturdays, which started out with a night promising “rock, fetish, metal, gore”…

Now, it’s hit the papers.  From what has been said, regulars and newbies to the club felt the acts went far beyond what was billed – and I’m inclined, from what has been said, to agree. If nothing else, full frontal male nudity wasn’t advertised – and while ‘gore’ was stated, implied rape…? Talk about triggering.

Now, I’m of the opinion rock clubs should be a bit dirty, seedy and sexy… But from the second I saw what is meant to be a rock club, dipping its toes in the waters of fetish, I had bad feelings. There is are perfectly good reasons why there are rock clubs and there are kink clubs, and I really think rock clubs should stick to what they are, and leave the kink for the kink clubs.

I don’t think I’m a prude by any stretch of the imagination, and if I’d been there (I wasn’t, the Mr was) I doubt I’d have been shocked or offended by what I saw… But I do think it is up to the punter to choose what they want out of their night – and unlike some supporters of the event, I don’t think what is being alleged of the night is covered by the poster – whether that be good old fashioned rock and roll, or something a good deal kinkier. 
The cynic in me would be inclined to point out that there was a day that the rock scene in the North East didn’t need gimmicks to get people out and partying… In all honesty though I still believe it doesn’t. But club promoters will believe what they want. 
There’s even a bit of me that’s irked at the marketing and consumerification of fetish. Stop taking what is a life for some folk and making it into a fucking selling point of your obscenely commercialised rock club already! 

The bit that really concerns me though, is that the NE fetish scene has had it’s share of dramas and controversies of late and we really could do with getting away with that – and unfortunately, many of the public won’t differentiate, or maybe comprehend the difference, between a rock club playing at being ‘sick and twisted’ and the real fet scene.

NK x

Lies for the Liars

Monday, October 25th, 2010
Picture reproduced under Creative Commons. From NeoGaboX on Flickr.

So. I’ve avoided stating my opinions on the FauxHo drama until now. Largely because I still wanted to see what else would come out, who would provide evidence either way, and formulate my thoughts from there.

As things stand right now, I am reluctant to judge whether Alexa is Alexa or Pat. There are people swearing one way and another, and I’d say the only way we’d know he definitely isn’t is for Alexa to reappear – which clearly she isn’t going to do… I’m the first to defend cyber anonymity, and that’s her choice – but I would suggest that deleting your site is going to make you look a hell of a lot more suspicious…

The thing is though, that there are so many more accounts of how the info ‘Alexa’ posted was untrue than there are accounts backing her credentials – take the blog entry refuting her academic background for example – and while I’m the first to say you hardly need a degree to know a thing or two about sex, I don’t agree with the bullshit. I really hate being lied to, what can I say?

I don’t think that despising lies and being fond of net anonymity are totally incompatible, though. Lies for lies sake hack me off. Name switches, location alterations etc work just fine for me. If you want to post a fantasy or piece of erotic fiction, that’s cool… But personally, I’d normally label it as such. Either way, everyone’s more than entitled to do as they please on their own blog. But within that, I still have no time for people who BS about their qualifications. Not least because of the potential backlash it could have on that place or facility.

Another thing that I think is bugging me right now is the attitude of some folk who are acting like the concept of him ‘just’ tricking sex workers makes it somehow okay, or ‘less bad’ than if he’d tricked normal women… (As tweeted by furrygirl) If he did trick newbie escorts into seeing him, then that is not cool. Lets be realistic here – a lot of the fetishes and kinks do match up. But I don’t know, that’s true. I can say though, that I look upon it with discomfort.

Beyond that, I found myself really annoyed with her content stealing. As an escort, providing pics of oneself is hardly unusual – basic shots that show clients, in broad terms, who you are. Sometimes not personally identifying, but ones that will allow them to assess if you’re their type and know who they’d be meeting… So to steal a cam girl‘s pictures, to me, seems odd.

All in all, I’m not convinced I can make myself feel any less creeped out by it all. And I don’t trust the situation at all. I don’t have the power to judge if they are who they say they are – but with the volume of untruths that have been shown to be fake… I’d find it hard to believe the day from “Alexa” without double-checking.

NK x

Eden Cafe: Losing It

Thursday, October 21st, 2010

I had forgotten about this going live! It’s my most recent post over at Eden Cafe, on virginity and sex ed.

…it is irresponsible as a nation (and beyond) to refuse to accept that the information we provide our young people with will affect the choices they make and are capable of making. It may or may not reduce unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections – of course the hope is that it will – but if nothing else surely we should all be striving to ensure that the young people of today are equipped with knowledge that allows them to make informed choices?

Read the whole article at Eden Cafe

NK x