Archive for August, 2011

Vanilla to D/s and onward to M/s…

Thursday, August 25th, 2011
(Flickr // CC)
So… This is where I get writer’s block…
WazDakka and I started out in a vanilla relationship. Sure there was pretty much always some BDSM play there as it was a pre-existing interest for the both of us, but the relationship itself functioned in a vanilla manner, as boyfriend/girlfriend with little – to – no power dynamic. 

Then, a while ago, it became a lot more D/s (Dominant/submissive). A power dynamic definitely came into play and was, in time, recognised. It fit, and wasn’t an especially thought-out thing. In some ways, it helped that there was never a power struggle or difficulty working out where the balance was as WazDakka is Dom through and through, as much as I am sub through and through.

Lately though, it really became clear that M/s (Master/slave) was much closer a description to how we were actually living. WazDakka pointed this out and since then, we’ve effectively relabelled our relationship. I’m finding myself behaving differently too, actually. There are times when I remember my behaviour is a reflection on my Master and as such my conduct should be the best it can be.

There have been a lot of small shifts recently, and all for the better. I can only look forward to what the future has to bring for us :)

NK x

Mental Health and BDSM

Tuesday, August 23rd, 2011
Flickr // CC
So I’ve been wanting to write about this topic for a while…
There’s often talk about the apparent correlation between kink and mental health issues. In the general population, roughly 1 in 4 of us will have a mental health issue of some sort, at some time. The most common tends to be depression or anxiety based. I count myself among those who have (and in my case, continue to) suffer. 
For me, I started to experience what was later diagnosed as depression and anxiety probably around 10 or 11 years old. Some might think that’s early, though a surprising number of people do experience very early problems with mental health disorders. As of now, I am 23 and still battle against my demons. 
Whether or not there is a higher incidence of mental health problems in the fetish community is hard to say as any evidence would be anecdotal at best, as no studies have been conducted nor numbers assessed. However, anecdotally speaking at least, there does seem to be at least a loose correlation – in my experience – that suggests such issues do seem to have a higher rate of incidence amongst the kink sceene. 
As many psychological movements in the world still categorise elements of kink as being themselves hallmarks of variant forms of mental illness, some would likely argue that the connection may suggest kink could be a disorder or ‘sickness’ as it is at times seen in the vanilla world to be. 
Recently, though, I have been thinking more about alternate reasons why this may be. 
From a young age we are raised (generally speaking) in a vanilla world. This world is still broadly speaking, not especially sex positive, and even more critical of “deviant” sexual needs and wants. From as early an age as we develop these desires, we hear that they are not healthy. For some of us, we establish vanilla relationships and go about our lives often surpressing part of who we are. I believe this to be unhealthy behavious; as to deny a part of yourself can only bring pain and sadness. 
I have found personally, that as i feel my kinkiness is an integral part of who I am and that those needs and desires are as strong as my needs for sex in general, for social contact and friendship, that if those desires are surpressed for too long a time I do find my stress increasing, my mood descending and my ability to cope with the world at a low. 
Perhaps a correlation between a kinky self-identification and mental health problems could be traced to having to mould and shape ourselves to fit a world unforgiving of BDSM? 
All in all, be true to yourself and you may be surprised at how good it feels. 
NK x

I’m a Brat.

Friday, August 5th, 2011
Brats love cupcakes.

I’ve wanted to write about this for a while.

Most people who read this blog will by now know that I am a submissive. My partner is both my boyfriend in vanilla terms and my Dominant. It’s become a running joke between us and beyond that I am, at times, somewhat bratty.

I never meant it to be so. I dislike the concept of brattiness, and seeing it in other subs tends to make me flinch. I guess it’s true what they say that you tend to most notice negative traits in others if they are ones you possess yourself.

The thing is though, there is more than one sort of bratty – in my opinion, anyway. Sure, you have full on, topping-from-the-bottom bratting. But then you also have the cute(?), generally childlike, playful bratting. Naturally, there’s a whole bunch inbetween too, but broadly speaking most of what I see falls vaguely into one of those categories.

The other side of the coin is of course, the tollerance of the Dominant involved with a bratting sub. Some take playful bratting in good humour and don’t have an issue with it. Others may see it as insubordination, no matter the intent.

Most of the time, I’d like to say that when I do go brat, it’s of the playful kind. In fact, I’d hope it always was. But here’s the thing, sometimes bratting that’s meant to be of the playful kind inadvertantly serves as the controlling sort. In all honesty, I dislike myself bratting of either kind. I have a much stronger subby/service orientated streak in me than I often admit to, and being disobedient makes me feel bad.

So why do I brat? Mostly, for attention, if I’m being honest with myself. Sometimes it also serves the same purpose as nervous laughter, too. But mostly, the attention.

I’m an ass.

I’d like not to be.

NK x