I apologise now, as this post is largely being used as a way for me to work through the things currently in my head. If that will annoy you, feel free to click the little x up there. I wouldn’t blame you.
So, recently I’ve been thinking about the way I deprive others of agency; or at least refuse to acknowledge their own agency. In this context, I am using agency to mean
- “capacity of an agent (a person or other entity) to act in a world”.
- “Human agency is the capacity for human beings to make choices and to impose those choices on the world”
- “”agency” refers to the capacity of individuals to act independently and to make their own free choices”
So with the terminology out of the way, back to the issue. When I say I rob people of agency, or of acknowledged agency, I mean that for all a person could express an opinion, a position on something or similar, I will often deny it’s truth, call them out on it or something along those lines.
I’m not just a generic douche, honest. The times I do this is when the person is expressing (either implicitly or explicitly) thoughts or opinions (generally of a positive nature) about me. Sometimes it might be about their happiness/comfortableness with a situation involving me, wherein I believe they are only doing it to satisfy me and will frame their words/actions as such – a cover up for what they really think.
Now, doing this to friends sucks. I know it’s unfair, and it could even be said to be questioning their honesty. Worst of all though, is when I do it to my Master. Yes, even he doesn’t escape the over thinking bullshit.
Recently, the object of this issue has been on our ever evolving non monogamy. We discussed this over the festive period and another “boundary shift” happened as a result – prior to that point, we’d agreed we both got to be with girls together and me apart (and perhaps him apart? I don’t know – it’s the kind of bridge that would have been crossed had we got to it)… I brought it up as I was having an ethical quandary with the situation – in that it was hetero-normative, phallo-centric and imbalanced. Now ultimately, the last issue… well if Master had said “That’s how I want it”, I’d have gone with it. He gets the final say and I’m happy with that.
We talked and he said he had been thinking about it, and really, it didn’t make sense. That to him, it did seem unfair and illogical – what was the huge difference between PIV sex for me with someone else and him with someone else – or for that matter PIV sex and other forms of sex? Were we really enforcing the hierarchical typical “PIV is real sex, everything else is foreplay” logic here? If that was at play, truth be told neither of us were comfortable with it. And if that wasn’t an issue then why was one form of sex, for one of us, banned with others? I could understand why he too had realised it was somewhat… silly?
So boundaries shifted, and all was well.
But here’s where my issue right now comes in. Is he really okay with it? If it happened, for real, would he still be okay with it? I’ve got the “could this destroy us” jitters… And then I catch myself thinking that way and chastise myself. We’re not that fricking fragile, I know we aren’t. We’ve been together a long time and we’re – if anything – stronger than ever. Becoming increasingly kinky, and increasingly “ethically (sexually) non monogamous” has if anything strengthened us as a unit.
Thing is though, when I do this even to him, I can’t help but feel really bad. When it’s directed to Master not only am I being unfair to him, I am also showing a level of disrespect that makes me feel bad. If Master tells me this is how he feels, this is what he is comfortable, why on earth should I question that? How can I question that?
Maybe there’s more social conditioning in my head than I’d like. Maybe that’s what it is? I guess what I need to do is talk… both to those I deny ownership of thoughts and opinions to, and to others who’ve experienced similar problems.