Archive for August, 2012

BDSM is Domestic Violence? Really?

Thursday, August 23rd, 2012

I read today that a charity based not far from me is planning a “50 Shades bonfire” on the 5th November, and is calling for women to hand over their copies to be burned.

Reading the article, Clare Phillipson, who is the Director of Wearside Women in Need is quoted as saying: “I do not think I can put into words how vile I think this book is and
how dangerous I think the idea is that you get a sophisticated but
naive, young women and a much richer, abusive older man who beats her up
and does some dreadful things to her sexually.”

She goes on to label consentual BDSM as “domestic violence”. 

I was appalled to hear the life I lead judged so harshly. I felt compelled to try to advise her of the reality of consentual kink and the relationships within it via the contact us link on the charity’s site.

In my email I said:

Dear Ms Phillipson

I am writing to you to alert you to the offense caused by your statements to BBC news as published on their website here:

I am a lifestyle submissive woman in a D/s relationship. This is a relationship I entered consentually, and any and all activities carried out between my partner and I are fully consentual.

I greatly enjoy the pleasure I receive through these consentual activities.

To read these judgemental comments about a lifestyle many men and women in the North East are involved in was deeply offensive and disheartening. Most relationships in the kink scene are fully consentual and non abusive, but as with vanilla relationships, occasionally some do go bad. These women should feel they would be able to turn to WWIN, however I can say with some conviction I doubt many would after seeing the standpoint your organisation has taken against the lifestyle we lead.

I hope you will seek to enlighten yourself further to the healthy, fulfilling lifestyles others lead, and endeavour to make yourself more tollerant.


I do hope she will reconsider her standpoint, although my gut instinct says this seems unlikely. Should I receive a reply, I will post it here.

How do you feel seeing her take on the kinky lifestyle? Am I the only one who is shocked and disappointed? It really seems like kinky people, especially women, have less and less services we can use and be open about who we are and what we do. 

NK x

Consent: Not Optional.

Thursday, August 23rd, 2012
Flickr // CC

Recently consent has been a hot topic in the fetish community. It is, of course, always of significance, but recently there doesn’t seem to have been a day without someone else chiming in on the issue. Now for those who are on FetLife, I’m sure I don’t need to go into the full background of recent accusations, and that’s not what this post is meant to be about – I don’t have a great deal to contribute in regard to communities I’m not involved in, and situations I have no knowledge of. Suffice to say I do think these discussions are important and abuses of consent always need to be challenged.

What I want to write about today is the application of consent.

So, you’ve been on the scene a while (maybe six months, maybe six years, who knows), and you’re pretty confident you have it all down. You can debate everything from consent issues, to play styles, to edgier forms of kink with finesse.

And that’s great.

But here’s the thing. In all those discussions on why you need to ensure consent is given, did you actually sit back and think “Hey, this applies to me!”? Becasuse you damn well should have.

Consent applies to you.
Consent applies to me.
Consent applies to every single one of us.

It doesn’t matter if you’re especially “well liked” or well respected in the local “scene”. It doesn’t matter if you run your own parties or just attend. It doesn’t matter if you’re 18 or 80. It doesn’t matter if s/he’s your sub, partner or whatever-other-status. It just doesn’t.

I’m getting sick of hearing of people brushing off consent violations. 

Unwanted touch MATTERS. Breaking limits MATTERS. Using deception or manipulation to gain “consent” MATTERS.

Just promise me this; the next time you’re engaged in some kind of act (whether that be you physically performing an act upon someone, having them perform it on you, or commanding them to do something), sit back for a second and make sure you know, beyond reasonable doubt, that s/he wants you to be doing this. If you can, great. If you have doubts, check in and be prepared to stop right that goddamn second.

Trust me when I say being sexually pressured into unwanted acts, or being nonconsentually touched in any way, shape or form, stays with a person. It will colour their view of you, and worst of all, it might make them see themselves differently*.

NK x

*No one should ever feel guilty or responsible for that which was forced upon them, but many assualt survivors and those who have been in some way violated, do.