Okay, here goes. I’m not sure how coherent this will actually prove to be. As such, I apologise in advance!
In the past, I have only ever hit subspace twice. It’s a very rare thing for me, and takes a lot of work to get to. I found I experienced something slightly similar, though less intense, through waxplay.
Recently, though, I experienced something new. Something I’ve been referring to as “Fearspace“.
The details of what caused it aren’t probably that important – essentially, my boyfriend, KingNothingface, being very scary during sex – to a level I may have suggested was something akin to demon possession… but describing or explaining that, as I say, isn’t really what I’m trying to do with this writing.
What I experienced was – perhaps for the first time – a very, very real sense of fear with someone I truly trust. KingNothingface remarked afterwards that my terror showed in my face.
When everything had stopped, I lay in his arms and shook. I feel as though I should state, dear reader, that such a response is not common for me. As I lay there, I realised how quiet my head was. To explain, I’m very much an overthinker in life, I never really quieten down and just enjoy the silence – so for all of that to have just stopped dead was extraordinary to me. In the past, the only states to have accomplished such a feat were subspace and meditation.
Now, perhaps some would argue that what I experienced could be described more as simply a different way to achieve subspace. Personally, I feel as though it is a different headspace entirely, though every bit as overwhelming. For me, the notable differences are the fact that it was entirely mental stimulation which resulted in this state (though, yes, of course there was significant physical stimulation occurring at the time, it was the mental that caused my reaction), and that as such this was not a pain response. It would be fair to say, however, that the states are related as ultimately both subspace and fearspace are the result of endorphin release.
I’ve thought about the experience a fair bit since. What I know for certain is that I’m looking forward to any future journeys into fearspace.
[First posted in August 2013 on my Fetlife profile]